I wish I could describe how I am feeling.  It's weird.  PHYSICALLY I feel old and creaky.  My body hurts.  I'm not balanced.  I feel like I'm growing out of my skin - like the fat doesn't know where to go.  I look at my face and I want my skinny face back.  I went for a walk and ran a little today.  It felt sooo good to have my body moving and air moving in my mouth and nose.  It's weird but I noticed the air temp and the smells around me.
This has affected me MENTALLY too.  I haven't had an "out" for so long.  No mental relief.  Everything just gets stored inside of my head.  Now I have so much crammed in there it's hard to sort everything out.  My confidence level is pretty dang low.  It's funny what saying no to sugar and crap can do for you.  It really does BUILD you.  It moves you FORWARD.  It creates a new YOU.  I need that new me back.  I need the confidence.  I need the feeling you get crossing the finish line.  I loved that feeling.  I crave that feeling.  I want the craving to finish to be stronger that the craving for sugar.  I know I can have it again.
Another aspect for me that I can't ignore is my SPIRITUAL fitness.  A habit that I'm also going to work on is praying - morning and night.  I know that this will carry me.  I am going to read my scriptures and study the gospel daily.  Even if it's listening to a conference talk or scriptures.  Anything to feed my spiritual self.
INTERNALLY - How will I FUEL my body?  What way of eating is going to create the best me?  I've been reading a lot about the KETO diet.  I really like what I'm reading.  I've listened to a few hours of podcasts.  It makes sense.  It clicks to me.  When I eat this way I feel good.  I don't feel bloated.  I don't feel gassy.  My stomach doesn't hurt.  My mind is clear.

I know that if I record my feelings daily it will keep me on track.  I just need to keep myself accountable.    I will write more later as I figure out how to get me moving and eating right.  I have to do it.  I don't want to be diabetic.  I don't want to have a heart attack.  I want to move forward.  I want to live.

I know.  A lot of time as passed.  I'm trying.  Really, I am.

I've done okay this week.  I lifted on Monday, Tuesday I was sleeping, Wednesday I went for a 40 minute walk, today, I walked/ran/hiked for an hour today.  It feels great.  I like getting out.  I have a new job.  I'm a 9-1-1 dispatcher.  This job will bring a little more stress to my life.  I've been through a lot of training and most have discussed dealing with the stress.  They all suggested a hobby.  I have a huge problem.  I don't have a hobby.  Really I don't. I don't do anything for myself.  Working out is going to be my hobby.  Being physical will rid my body of the cortisol that I will most certainly have.  I know that's the problem with my weight.  Stress is killing me and over the past six months it has taken a toll on my body.

Tracking is important.  I know that I have to do this.  I can't decided why that's so hard.  um... well, on with my day.

I can do this!

My goal this morning was to get myself to the gym and lift.  It was harder than you'd think.

Getting out of bed was hard.  I kept thinking, "I'm too fat to go to the gym."  Seriously?  Who thinks that?  It was actually so real.  It was hard to get up and get dressed and  get out the door.  I did it though.

The road in front of the rec is under construction - physically, it was hard to get to the gym.  When I arrived, I pulled in and there are like five cars.  WTH?  The rec, because it's a holiday will only be open from 7 AM to 5 PM.  SERIOUSLY!

I guess that's my answer to going to lift today.  I went home and hiked/ran on my favorite trail.  I needed this.  I needed to have the fresh air clear my head.  A few people go through my head when I think about losing weight.  This is NOT about other people.  This is about me.  I'm doing this for me.  Will others benefit?  Yes.  I want to set a good example to my kids.  That would be my biggest wish.  I want them to be healthy and happy.

I can do this.  One step at a time.

Posting everyday and having this in my head everyday is sooooo IMPORTANT!!!  I have to have it in my head.  It's mental for me right now.  I have to have it in my head.  I need to remember that its step by step.  Each step is important.  Each step FORWARD is even more important.  I can do this.  Everyday I will take my journey forward.
Today is Sunday.  I have time to sit and plan.  I will plan out each meal for the upcoming week.  I can do this.  I can.  I need to feel healthy.  Even when I was down 3 pounds I felt better!
I will do this later but I want to find some healthy snacks - loaded with protein - that can be included in my plan.

I've been doing sooo good.  My weight WAS down.  I was moving every day.  I got sick over the weekend, worked two partial graves and my body got ticked.  It was tired.  I didn't move.  For the past two days I haven't eating good at all.  I haven't tracked.  It get's better.  I canceled Weight Watchers yesterday.
It's okay.  Tomorrow is a new day!  I'm going to track with My Fitness Pal.  It's free.  I can track my macronutrients.  I really want to focus on moving.  I feel better.  I move better.  I want to focus on eating protein.
I can do this!!!  I can... I will....

It's all good.  I've run the past two days.  Once in the hills and yesterday on the canal trail.  It was hard but it felt good.  I never thought two miles would feel like ten :)

I'm down slightly today.  That makes me feel good after the week I had.  It shows that it's possible.  I can lose this. I can be healthy again.

I know this is short.  I have a training for work that I have to get going to.  Life is good.

Frustration

Today is a frustrating day.   I was pictures taken from a month ago.  I'm embarrassed.  I have gained so much weight and I did nothing but buy bigger clothes.  Nothing.  Too much baking.  To much eating.  Too much ignoring what I needed to do to be healthy.  Even this morning I laid in bed instead of running (good thing - we didn't have hot water :)
Time to set goals, yet again.  Same goals.  I know what I have to do.  Time to get serious.  Really.

Week of July 11, 2016
1.  No sugar.  NONE.
2.  Track
3.  Water
4. Move
5. Plan

I can do this.

Step by Step

I just keep telling myself, "Step by step.  I can do this!"  Every step counts.  It really does.  Either you're moving forward or moving backward.

Today running seemed easier.  I know it will get that way.  I try to push myself up each hill.  I try not to stop and just keep pushing.  Eating has been good.  I need to track still today!  My weight is down.  That's good.

Gotta do it!

It's interesting to me, how fast I lose my mojo, my motivation to move.  I was going to lift yesterday and the day soon was gone.  I was going to run this morning before work and I didn't.  What is with that?  I really believe that journaling each day keeps this fresh in my mind.  I need that.  I did't write yesterday either.

Today, I'm going to do my best to move - somehow.  I will track my food and drink my water.

Step by step.  I just have to focus on the next step.  I can do this.

Happy 4th!

I'm determined to workout everyday.  This morning I got up and ran.  I love it.  I love the smell.  The sights.  The sounds.  It takes me 27  minutes to go one mile up hill - both running an walking.  It takes me 14 minutes to run back home.

I want this journal to be positive.  I don't want to complain.  I will make an observation.  I had Texas sheet cake last night and this morning I felt gross.  Just icky and full and just yucky.  Please self.... remember these feelings.  It's your choice to feel like this.  Put good fuel in your body you feel good.

It's been a great Sunday!  A nice day to sit back and enjoy everything.  I didn't track today, which I should have but a day off is nice.  I didn't go over board.  I fasted this morning.  I had a light lunch and gave myself a free dinner.  I enjoyed it and a few pieces of Texas sheet cake.  I think is't important to do this every once and a while.  Tomorrow, I will be ready to go.  I'm planning on running early and then plan the rest of my day!
The journey is awesome!

The Journey in Steps

I ran again today.  It feels good to get up and go out.  I LOVE running/hiking in the foothills above my home.  I feel very little pressure to run the entire time.  I'm going up and down hills and walk or run, my heart rate is high.  Occasionally I pass some mountain bikers, horseback riders or other runners but it's few and far between.  I like that.

Today, I had a light bulb moment.  It was big.  Well, to me it was big.

I was walking up a pretty steep hill.  I didn't want to stop.  I wanted to get to the top without taking a break.  I just kept saying to myself, "Focus of the next step.  Focus on the next step.  Don't look at the top.  Focus on the next step."  Physically, my body was capable.  Mentally, I wanted to quit.

The distance to the top of that hill was very overwhelming to me.  It was more than I thought I could do.  Losing weight is like that.  The amount I have to lose is overwhelming.  The distance to that goal weight just seems to great.  The past few months, I have felt defeated before I've even started.  Today is a new day.  My attitude toward a healthy life has changed, it's flipped 180 degrees.

I can't look at where I have to go.  The distance is just too far.  If I make goals that are reasonable and attainable I will be successful.  I will have a fighting chance.  I will build my confidence mentally, I will grow stronger and willingness to keep moving forward will continue.   I don't believe that I have a goal weight to "get to".  Past experience has taught me that I stop, I'm done when I hit that goal.  This journey isn't about stopping.  The journey is about being healthy and active.  If I have the healthy habits in place - I'm eating right, I'm moving - the weight loss will happen.  There is no deadline.  This is not a race where there's a finish line.  This is a journey.  A journey for life, MY LIFE.  This journey is for me.  I can influence my family and friends along the way but this journey is for ME.

Today I will set a short term goal.  An achievable, measurable goal.  I've got this.  Step by step I'll get there.  I can do hard things.  I can and I will.

The journey continues

I'm trying to find my way again.  I've gained 63 pounds of my 87 that I lost.  This is insane to me and at the same time I know where each pound came from.

I will never be able to recreate the circumstances that helped me lose and be active last time.  My life is different.  I'm different.  This journey will be it's own.  I know that I have the same tools to help me and I'll use them.  Life is just different now.  This time, the journey will not end.  This journey will continue beyond a goal weight.  This journey will be about an active life.  This journey will be about a healthy life.  A life without excessive sugar.  This journey will involve my family.  My kids who aren't active, I hope will change and be active with me.  This journey will take me to my next decade.

I have learned a few things that are necessary for me to be healthy and happy.
1.  I need a positive attitude.
2.  I need to move.
3.  I need to plan.
4.  I need to track what I eat.
5.  Water is essential.

My weight will be used along the way to show progress.  I know that's important.  I will also used measurements.  I will set goals.   I will achieve my goals!

One of the biggest helps from my previous journey was journaling.  I know this was an important key.  I know it kept me on track.  It kept me focused.  I will journal each day.  I will record my successes, my downfalls, my activity level and maybe even my new favorite meals.

Adios!  Have a great day!